wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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