I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
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I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
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Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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