Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I got inside last night via doggy door
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
