Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
