Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
