it's too hot outside to masturbate.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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