Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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