Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
