i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
