all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
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the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
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Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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