1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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