We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
