Kareoke will never be a sober sport
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
