i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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