why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
