True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
