when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
