you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
