meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
