This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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