Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
