I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
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Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
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You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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