Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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