i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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