My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
