So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
