I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
