Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
