Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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