Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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