I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
