u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
