he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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