Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
