when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
