Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
