You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
