Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
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The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
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I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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