all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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