even my farts smell like vagina
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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