first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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