please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
