the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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