all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
