her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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