Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
