Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
