Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
