when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i wish my penis had a tongue
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
