I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
