If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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