So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
