Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
