so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
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I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
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I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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