it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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