They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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