HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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