Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
